Bens_Bits_n_Pieces

A recent survey has found that two-thirds of Australian women aged 15 to 64 are so ashamed of their bodies that they avoid routine activities such as going to the beach or the local swimming pool. (Source: The Sunday Mail, May 6, 2007)

Now as far as i'm concerned this is a troubling statistic, especially in a supposedly "free" country such as ours. A country where everyone has (amongst many others) the right to enjoy the great outdoors, not just those who think they look good in a swimsuit. Something needs to be done about this, and i mean now! I would hereby like to make the following proposal:

It should be made absolutely mandatory by law, that every person over the age of 9 must wear a Sumo Suit (like the ones you've seen semi-annebriated  guys wrestling in at pubs) when they go to beaches and public pools.

"Ridiculous!" I hear you say. "It'll never work!" I hear you say. "This guy's been out with a group of AFL players and hasn't come down yet!" I hear you say. But just hear me out and i'm quite confident that by the end of this article you will be amongst the thousands of other readers joining my call for this law to be introduced. You will be jumping on the bandwagon faster than under-informed school kids at an anti-Pauline Hanson rally. And most of all, you'll be desperate to know where you can get a Sumo Suit. 

Now in my professional opinion (i drive vans and trucks for a living) many self-image related insecurities are developed through our inherent tendency to compare ourselves to others.  You all know how it goes - you're down the beach, surrounded by beautiful people, and then you start looking around and thinking things like "Oh that brazilian is much better than mine" and "Gee my butt looks so much bigger than everybody else's!" And that's just us guys! I can only imagine how stressful a day at the beach or the local pool can be for a girl with a few self-image hangups. And everyone does it, even famous types like Paris Hilton - "Oh my god you bitch, these bright orange clothes look SO much better on you!"

So, the way i see it, the solution to the "poor self-image" epidemic rests in standardising the physical appearance of people as much as possible when they go to outdoor public places like beaches or pools, so that there are no differences to compare. The Sumo Suits achieve this standardisation by ensuring that everyone looks exactly the same (apart from subtle differences in height, hair colour, eye colour, and number of original teeth). Thus, with everyone looking like a pudgy Sumo wrestler who has difficulty walking in a straight line, there will be no basis for comparison, and consequently there should be no reason for anyone to feel embarassed or alienated or inferior because of how they look compared to those around them.

Now some of you will no doubt be asking "Isn't there a better way?!" and the answer quite frankly is, no, there is not. Given that it is much easier to make thin people look fat than it is to make fat people look thin, i firmly believe that the best way, in fact, the ONLY way, to achieve a standardised appearance for everyone is to wear these Sumo Suits. So as far as i can see, it's case closed. "Poor self-image" epidemic over. Now all Australians can exercise their right to enjoy the great outdoors. Thankyou, thankyou, i am humbled by your kind applause.

But even though i have clearly put the sense of my proposal beyond all doubt, i know that some thin beautiful people will be saying "Do you know how hard i've worked for this body? Why should i cover it up just because some lazy oaf feels bad about the way they look?!" And i also know that some not-so thin and not-so beautiful people will be saying "Uh, Ben, i'm trying real hard to see the good in what you're doing here, but i'm just not sure how wearing one of these sumo suits is going to make me feel better about going to beaches and pools." But i urge these people to look past their own noses for just a moment, and to realise that the self-esteem of thousands of women, and a considerable number of men, are at stake here. The collective mental health of Australia's people is on the line!

Ultimately, if we do not adress this issue immediately and implement a solution like the mandatory wearing of Sumo Suits, more and more people will stop leaving their homes, and we will end up with a nation of introverts. And if we end up with a nation of introverts, you can all kiss goodbye to the reality tv shows you seem to love so much. So don't get your CK's in a tangle or your Bonds' in a bind. It's time to take one for the team.

Finally, it would be remiss of me not to mention some of the other benefits that the Sumo Suits offer to beach and pool goers. Firstly, the suits offer 100% UV protection, and by now we all know how important it is to protect our skin from the harsh rays of the sun.

For those bathing in the ocean, the suits also offer complete protection from stingers such as bluebottles and jellyfish, and it is also quite likely that they would offer protection from sharks as well, because surely only the most optimistic shark would even attempt to get his mouth around a Sumo Suit!

And finally, the Sumo Suits are ultra-bouyant, which means that even the most inexperienced swimmer can feel safe in the water. This feature of the suits will also make the job of lifesavers much easier, as they will now be able to simply throw a rope around people in need of help and tow them back to dry land.

So there you have it folks. As Australians, we should ALL be able to go the beach or the pool without feeling like some kind of hideous freak of nature. Without feeling like a SeaWorld escapee. Noone should be made to feel so ashamed of their physical appearance that they don't feel comfortable or confident enough to enjoy the same experiences that others take for granted. It is time for a resolution, it is time for the Sumo Suit.

Just my thoughts,,,

Cheers,,,Ben.